Little Piggy

It’s 3:26am. I lie awake on my sick bed. Wondering why I stopped blogging. It’s been a year and some change my friends. Where did I go? Oh words can not sum up the distance I’ve traveled as I’ve sat still over this year. The last time I blogged was my birthday last year. So that means I haven’t written anything here for 1 yr and 12 days.

I guess I’ve been busy. I wish I could type an uplifting update that I’ve reached all my weight loss goals and that life has been easier because of my success with it all. But the truth is, I can’t say any of that. I saw lots of success in my absent year. I did so well last year that I was 4 lbs away from my 1st goal. That was my best weight! But, being as wretched as I am, I sabotaged that and here I am, back at what feels like rock bottom.

I didn’t know what to title this blog, because honestly I didn’t plan to blog at 3am. But alas, here I am. Crying out to the Lord. Crying out for freedom, for healing, for comfort, for restoration, for peace. And I guess I felt it was time to share it with the world, again. Is anyone even here?

I’m writing from a broken place. Broken heart, broken spirit, broken body.

See, I broke my pinky toe. The little piggy who is very literally crying wee, wee, wee, all the way home. I have one broken toe and a sprained toe next to it covered in shades of purple and green. Why you ask? Let’s just sum it up to barefoot vs. wooden bed post. I lost.

I don’t know why the Lord has such grace and mercy on me. I don’t know why He continues to reach for me. If I were Him… I’d be a terrible god, let me just say that. But, if I were Him, I’d have given up on me a long time ago!

I woke up thinking about having a seared conscience. In Romans 1, it’s seen how the Lord gave people over to their sin. They didn’t want to change, or surrender, so he let them go. He gave them over to their sin.

I’m thinking of that this morning because I went to see my primary PA this week because of my foot. I haven’t seen her since 12/16. Granted 2017 will forever be the hardest year of life, and that year I was consumed with turmoil and pain so visiting her was the last thing on my mind… but yeah I haven’t seen her in a while. I moved cities so the last Doctor I saw was closer to home in 10/17. I was doing well at that time. I was eating a vegan diet, and all my numbers were great. But now, here I am, where my numbers aren’t great, and my diet isn’t clean and I’m at that rock bottom place again.

All of this to say that when I saw her on Friday, she treated me like I was a stranger. She treated me like I had a seared conscience. She treated me like she had given up on me and given me over to my sin. I suppose I deserve it. Here I am, a year and 3 months later and I’m heavier than I was when I saw her last, and I’m eating poorly and refusing to do what she’s told me to do for years now. She treated me how I would treat me if I were God! I’m literally awake at this moment pondering how horrible a feeling that was. To be dismissed like that.

And still. The Lord never dismisses me as such. I have given God every reason to turn away, reject, and leave me! And He has, time and again, refused to do it! He has refused to abandon me like my earthly father did, refused to reject me like the world does, refused to belittle me like modern medicine does. I have given my God every reason to RUN AWAY and yet… HE REMAINS!!!!!!

Who am I that you are mindful of me, Lord!? Why do you care about this little piggy, and my broken little piggy!? Oh Lord, here I am!!!! And…. I, surrender.

I surrender!

It’s 4am now, pondering life’s musings from my sick bed. I wanted to title this blog, “Failure.” Because that’s how it feels to be at this rocky bottom again. But as I sit and consider that Jesus has never once left my side, I realize that it’s not a failure to be here again. It’s not a failure to be “starting over,” cause I’m not in fact, starting over. I’m simply, getting up. I’m dusting myself off and picking up my battle armor and once again, choosing to endure. I’m choosing you, Lord. Choosing to put up a fight against this Goliath, against my flesh, against the lies that have been trying to eradicate me from the fight! This isn’t failure! This is the continuation of a story that God is still writing, in real time. The valleys are deep and the peaks are high. And all in all, may He be glorified.

I haven’t the wear with all to number the days any longer, but I’m here. I’ll check in as often as I can, if anyone even reads this. May you be encouraged, and blessed by God’s faithfulness, and NEVER MY OWN (or lack thereof).

I want to make true of what Lewis said…

“My prayer is that when I die, all of hell rejoices that I am out of the fight.”

-C.S. Lewis

This is my battlecry. It’s not failure, it’s a new day. Transform this little piggy oh Lord, restore to me what the locusts have eaten!!

On ward soldiers, it’s time to endure!

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Day 94- Birthday

Hey friends… so I’m like almost a full month behind on my “daily” blog here. I will eventually catch up. Here’s where I’m at… 
1.) 14 lbs away from reaching my first goal of being under 400 lbs. 

2.) Moving. Is. STRESSFUL.

3.) Broken heart, relationships, family, and health. 

4.) But God. IS GOOD and He will make a way! 
5.) This past month, I’ve been beaten and broken and crushed and persecuted. But God, again in His Sovereign grace keeps me in his grip!!! I’m still pursuing Him. Pray for me friends. 

6.) Today is my birthday. It’s been an emotionally exhausting day. I’m overwhelmed with sorrow but I’m fighting to endure!!! Oh be with me, Jesus. I know you are! Give me strength! 

7.) Reading the book of John and its washing me anew. 
8.) Food is okay. Tempted to give in today. But, I’m fighting on. 

9.) I have an urge to run away. God give me courage to stay. 

10.) I’ll try to catch up! Lord bless you all. 

Day 65- Weekly Check-In #7

Last weigh in (1/9/17): 426
Current Weight (1/16/17): 421
-5 lbs
I look back at those pounds and still wish it were more. Yet, I still find myself eating clean yet, borderline messy clean. Oh Lord, help me honor you. That’s a total loss of 26 lbs and an overall loss of 43 lbs from highest weight. I’m thankful for a loss, no matter how small.

Day 64- Gym

I miss the gym. I must sound unstable that I crave junk food one day, then the gym the next day. But this is the reality. My gym is closed on Saturdays and Sundays in the Winter. (School gym). So, when I want to get some exercise on weekends, I have to do it outside of the gym. 
Woke up today with the desire to sweat and push myself. Do you ever have that desire? Maybe I’m the only one. Lol. But sometimes I just need to get in touch with my primal animal side and sweat, sweat, sweat. 
I’m heading to Church service then hope to get some meal prep in this day. I hope my desire for the gym doesn’t go away and that I get to sweat my butt off later. Lol. 

Day 63- Habits

I am not snacking poorly, for the most part. My snacks have been pretty clean. But lately, I just wish I could mindlessly eat. I think it’s a habit that I am craving and missing. I don’t know why. It’s not a physiological thing at all. I’m not craving it. I just miss eating crap. 
It’s so crazy how sin is habitual, and it’s so ridiculous that I would long for it. Reminds me of these two Proverbs…
“Let not your heart envy sinners, but continue in the fear of the LORD all the day.” – Proverbs 23:17
“Like a dog that returns to his vomit is a fool who repeats his folly.” -Proverbs 26:11

I am that person who sometimes looks at other people and although their eating may not be sinful for them, it’s sinful for me, and yet I long to be eating the hot Cheetos they’re scarfing, or the melty cheesy pizza they’re enjoying. Why Lord!? That is envy. Why am I envying sin? Is there a part of me that wants to say the thing we all sometimes just really want to say… “THAT’S NOT FAIR!!!” 

Then there’s the other Proverb and that truth hits me too. Now that the Lord has saved me from a lifestyle that is so poisonous for me, I cannot return to the vomit He has revealed to be vomit for me. 

Now let me be clear. Food is not the enemy. There is nothing wrong with food and it is in fact, a beautiful gift from God. However… after having abused that gift for so long, it’s hard to adapt to a life without the abusive habits I have ignorantly enjoyed for so long! Dang! That made total sense to me!! Did that make sense to you? Thank you Lord for clarity!! Lol 

Snacking in such a Godless way was so interwoven into my life, that it is starting to make sense to me that I would miss it. But alas, I don’t want to miss it Lord. Heal my associations and emotions to and with food. 

I know that The Lord hasn’t left me alone in this struggle. I know He knows that I stupidly miss some of these bad habits, and He has immense grace and mercy on my fallen nature. For this I think of Colossians 3. 

“1 If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God.

2 Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth.

3 For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God.

4 When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.

5 Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry.” 

– Colossians 3:1-5

The Lord wants us to leave the past behind. He wants us to put to death all these things that keep us bound to sin and death. The awesome thing is that He doesn’t leave us alone in the sanctification process. When He tells us to put off the evil and natural ways, He also draws us up and elevates us to something better. Put off all of these things: impurity, covetousness, idolatry, etc but then He tells us to PUT ON: compassion, meekness, patience, etc. 

“12 Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience,

13 bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.

14 And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.” – Colossians 3:12-14

So, He tells us how to grow in these moments. Right now, I want to live and dwell in some old habits, COVETOUSNESS (Death causing habits). But instead, the Lord is calling me to put on PATIENCE. 

Lord Jesus, help me do this. Help me obey and honor You. This walk is hard. But, I know you are faithful. Grow new habits in me. Habits that will bless and honor you. Amen. 

Day 62- Check Up

Finally had my follow up Dr.’s appointment after Bells Palsy. I don’t have an actual Dr. I only see a NP every time. But I had a checkup nonetheless. She said everything looked good and she was proud of me for losing 25 lbs. She asked me if I was taking the medicine she had prescribed, to which I responded “no.” She laughed and said she looked forward to seeing my next blood work and A1-C numbers to see if I am doing better. If I am, than she’ll drop the medicine pushing. I am praying that I am! Save me from the grave Lord. I don’t want to be diabetic. Oh Lord. Only you can help. I’m 23 lbs away from being under 400 lbs. I pray it happens soon, Lord. Heal me. Wholly.