Day 94- Birthday

Hey friends… so I’m like almost a full month behind on my “daily” blog here. I will eventually catch up. Here’s where I’m at… 
1.) 14 lbs away from reaching my first goal of being under 400 lbs. 

2.) Moving. Is. STRESSFUL.

3.) Broken heart, relationships, family, and health. 

4.) But God. IS GOOD and He will make a way! 
5.) This past month, I’ve been beaten and broken and crushed and persecuted. But God, again in His Sovereign grace keeps me in his grip!!! I’m still pursuing Him. Pray for me friends. 

6.) Today is my birthday. It’s been an emotionally exhausting day. I’m overwhelmed with sorrow but I’m fighting to endure!!! Oh be with me, Jesus. I know you are! Give me strength! 

7.) Reading the book of John and its washing me anew. 
8.) Food is okay. Tempted to give in today. But, I’m fighting on. 

9.) I have an urge to run away. God give me courage to stay. 

10.) I’ll try to catch up! Lord bless you all. 

Day 65- Weekly Check-In #7

Last weigh in (1/9/17): 426
Current Weight (1/16/17): 421
-5 lbs
I look back at those pounds and still wish it were more. Yet, I still find myself eating clean yet, borderline messy clean. Oh Lord, help me honor you. That’s a total loss of 26 lbs and an overall loss of 43 lbs from highest weight. I’m thankful for a loss, no matter how small.

Day 64- Gym

I miss the gym. I must sound unstable that I crave junk food one day, then the gym the next day. But this is the reality. My gym is closed on Saturdays and Sundays in the Winter. (School gym). So, when I want to get some exercise on weekends, I have to do it outside of the gym. 
Woke up today with the desire to sweat and push myself. Do you ever have that desire? Maybe I’m the only one. Lol. But sometimes I just need to get in touch with my primal animal side and sweat, sweat, sweat. 
I’m heading to Church service then hope to get some meal prep in this day. I hope my desire for the gym doesn’t go away and that I get to sweat my butt off later. Lol. 

Day 63- Habits

I am not snacking poorly, for the most part. My snacks have been pretty clean. But lately, I just wish I could mindlessly eat. I think it’s a habit that I am craving and missing. I don’t know why. It’s not a physiological thing at all. I’m not craving it. I just miss eating crap. 
It’s so crazy how sin is habitual, and it’s so ridiculous that I would long for it. Reminds me of these two Proverbs…
“Let not your heart envy sinners, but continue in the fear of the LORD all the day.” – Proverbs 23:17
“Like a dog that returns to his vomit is a fool who repeats his folly.” -Proverbs 26:11

I am that person who sometimes looks at other people and although their eating may not be sinful for them, it’s sinful for me, and yet I long to be eating the hot Cheetos they’re scarfing, or the melty cheesy pizza they’re enjoying. Why Lord!? That is envy. Why am I envying sin? Is there a part of me that wants to say the thing we all sometimes just really want to say… “THAT’S NOT FAIR!!!” 

Then there’s the other Proverb and that truth hits me too. Now that the Lord has saved me from a lifestyle that is so poisonous for me, I cannot return to the vomit He has revealed to be vomit for me. 

Now let me be clear. Food is not the enemy. There is nothing wrong with food and it is in fact, a beautiful gift from God. However… after having abused that gift for so long, it’s hard to adapt to a life without the abusive habits I have ignorantly enjoyed for so long! Dang! That made total sense to me!! Did that make sense to you? Thank you Lord for clarity!! Lol 

Snacking in such a Godless way was so interwoven into my life, that it is starting to make sense to me that I would miss it. But alas, I don’t want to miss it Lord. Heal my associations and emotions to and with food. 

I know that The Lord hasn’t left me alone in this struggle. I know He knows that I stupidly miss some of these bad habits, and He has immense grace and mercy on my fallen nature. For this I think of Colossians 3. 

“1 If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God.

2 Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth.

3 For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God.

4 When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.

5 Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry.” 

– Colossians 3:1-5

The Lord wants us to leave the past behind. He wants us to put to death all these things that keep us bound to sin and death. The awesome thing is that He doesn’t leave us alone in the sanctification process. When He tells us to put off the evil and natural ways, He also draws us up and elevates us to something better. Put off all of these things: impurity, covetousness, idolatry, etc but then He tells us to PUT ON: compassion, meekness, patience, etc. 

“12 Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience,

13 bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.

14 And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.” – Colossians 3:12-14

So, He tells us how to grow in these moments. Right now, I want to live and dwell in some old habits, COVETOUSNESS (Death causing habits). But instead, the Lord is calling me to put on PATIENCE. 

Lord Jesus, help me do this. Help me obey and honor You. This walk is hard. But, I know you are faithful. Grow new habits in me. Habits that will bless and honor you. Amen. 

Day 62- Check Up

Finally had my follow up Dr.’s appointment after Bells Palsy. I don’t have an actual Dr. I only see a NP every time. But I had a checkup nonetheless. She said everything looked good and she was proud of me for losing 25 lbs. She asked me if I was taking the medicine she had prescribed, to which I responded “no.” She laughed and said she looked forward to seeing my next blood work and A1-C numbers to see if I am doing better. If I am, than she’ll drop the medicine pushing. I am praying that I am! Save me from the grave Lord. I don’t want to be diabetic. Oh Lord. Only you can help. I’m 23 lbs away from being under 400 lbs. I pray it happens soon, Lord. Heal me. Wholly. 

Day 61- Pouring

So there is a major storm moving through my town, it’s POURING and I got invited to go see one of the Bible Teachers that I love, and I cannot get through the rain to go! I’m pretty bummed. Had a good clean food day and I wanted to celebrate by being pushed and challenged by brother Paul Washer. Bummer. I’m gonna have to settle for live streaming. I look forward to spending time in the word with you Lord. Pour into me, here am I. Goodnight y’all.