It’s 3:26am. I lie awake on my sick bed. Wondering why I stopped blogging. It’s been a year and some change my friends. Where did I go? Oh words can not sum up the distance I’ve traveled as I’ve sat still over this year. The last time I blogged was my birthday last year. So that means I haven’t written anything here for 1 yr and 12 days.
I guess I’ve been busy. I wish I could type an uplifting update that I’ve reached all my weight loss goals and that life has been easier because of my success with it all. But the truth is, I can’t say any of that. I saw lots of success in my absent year. I did so well last year that I was 4 lbs away from my 1st goal. That was my best weight! But, being as wretched as I am, I sabotaged that and here I am, back at what feels like rock bottom.
I didn’t know what to title this blog, because honestly I didn’t plan to blog at 3am. But alas, here I am. Crying out to the Lord. Crying out for freedom, for healing, for comfort, for restoration, for peace. And I guess I felt it was time to share it with the world, again. Is anyone even here?
I’m writing from a broken place. Broken heart, broken spirit, broken body.
See, I broke my pinky toe. The little piggy who is very literally crying wee, wee, wee, all the way home. I have one broken toe and a sprained toe next to it covered in shades of purple and green. Why you ask? Let’s just sum it up to barefoot vs. wooden bed post. I lost.
I don’t know why the Lord has such grace and mercy on me. I don’t know why He continues to reach for me. If I were Him… I’d be a terrible god, let me just say that. But, if I were Him, I’d have given up on me a long time ago!
I woke up thinking about having a seared conscience. In Romans 1, it’s seen how the Lord gave people over to their sin. They didn’t want to change, or surrender, so he let them go. He gave them over to their sin.
I’m thinking of that this morning because I went to see my primary PA this week because of my foot. I haven’t seen her since 12/16. Granted 2017 will forever be the hardest year of life, and that year I was consumed with turmoil and pain so visiting her was the last thing on my mind… but yeah I haven’t seen her in a while. I moved cities so the last Doctor I saw was closer to home in 10/17. I was doing well at that time. I was eating a vegan diet, and all my numbers were great. But now, here I am, where my numbers aren’t great, and my diet isn’t clean and I’m at that rock bottom place again.
All of this to say that when I saw her on Friday, she treated me like I was a stranger. She treated me like I had a seared conscience. She treated me like she had given up on me and given me over to my sin. I suppose I deserve it. Here I am, a year and 3 months later and I’m heavier than I was when I saw her last, and I’m eating poorly and refusing to do what she’s told me to do for years now. She treated me how I would treat me if I were God! I’m literally awake at this moment pondering how horrible a feeling that was. To be dismissed like that.
And still. The Lord never dismisses me as such. I have given God every reason to turn away, reject, and leave me! And He has, time and again, refused to do it! He has refused to abandon me like my earthly father did, refused to reject me like the world does, refused to belittle me like modern medicine does. I have given my God every reason to RUN AWAY and yet… HE REMAINS!!!!!!
Who am I that you are mindful of me, Lord!? Why do you care about this little piggy, and my broken little piggy!? Oh Lord, here I am!!!! And…. I, surrender.
It’s 4am now, pondering life’s musings from my sick bed. I wanted to title this blog, “Failure.” Because that’s how it feels to be at this rocky bottom again. But as I sit and consider that Jesus has never once left my side, I realize that it’s not a failure to be here again. It’s not a failure to be “starting over,” cause I’m not in fact, starting over. I’m simply, getting up. I’m dusting myself off and picking up my battle armor and once again, choosing to endure. I’m choosing you, Lord. Choosing to put up a fight against this Goliath, against my flesh, against the lies that have been trying to eradicate me from the fight! This isn’t failure! This is the continuation of a story that God is still writing, in real time. The valleys are deep and the peaks are high. And all in all, may He be glorified.
I haven’t the wear with all to number the days any longer, but I’m here. I’ll check in as often as I can, if anyone even reads this. May you be encouraged, and blessed by God’s faithfulness, and NEVER MY OWN (or lack thereof).
I want to make true of what Lewis said…
“My prayer is that when I die, all of hell rejoices that I am out of the fight.”
This is my battlecry. It’s not failure, it’s a new day. Transform this little piggy oh Lord, restore to me what the locusts have eaten!!
On ward soldiers, it’s time to endure!