Getting Up

Just wanted to take a moment to define some vocabulary I often use.

1.) CLEAN FOODS: When I mention clean food, I’m talking about food that is healthy and good for me. Stuff like veggies, two fruits a day (fruit is a carb thus, when sticking to a diabetic diet it’s encouraged to only eat 2 pieces of fruit a day. I will usually pick two of these options… 1/2c of berries, 1/2 banana, a small red delicious apple (my fave), a kiwi, a cutie, 1/2 c grapes or 1/2 c of watermelon. These are the ones I prefer. Mangoes, and watermelon are the ones I’m most carful with because they’re sweeter, and in mango’s case, starchier.) Anyway, clean foods are also nuts, chicken, beef, fish, cheeses, and small portions (1/4-1/2 c) of brown rice, grits, beans, sweet potato, and even sometimes a white potato. I eat these with minimal olive oil use, no-very low salt, no added sugar, no frying and no caffeine, or sugary drinks. This all sums up “Clean Food.” I’m talking about food that’s clean of dyes, and human tampering, and stuff that’s good for my heart and spirit.

2.) MESSY FOODS: Are everything else. Anything in a package. Anything that has been touched by human intentions. Salty, sugary, starchy, carby foods like pizza, chips, cookies, fried chicken, etc. Messy foods are high carb foods that mess with my head and heart. Like Thanksgiving side dishes, that I ate too much of this Thanksgiving! It’s not just junk food, it’s anything that sways me from eating in a God-honoring way!

3.) GOD HONORING EATING: I use this phrase to define the times that I am eating in a way that glorifies God. It’s allowing God to be Lord over every part of my life, including my eating.

4.) GODLESS EATING: Is the exact opposite. It’s when I binge and eat in a way that is void of the presence of God as Savior from this old habit and sinful way, and it is also void of God as Lord over my eating. It’s me eating for my own pleasure, glory, and satisfaction.

Great, now that I’ve defined it, you can know what I mean when I mention it. Today is day two after hearing about my 2 lb gain. I’ll be totally honest and confess that I’m so annoyed with that. I have no one to blame but myself. I chose to eat messy food.

I think I did out of laziness to be quite honest. The leftovers were accessible and easy, so I ate that because of convenience. But one thing I’ve learned through this process is that weight loss is NOT easy. There is no part of this process that is easy. What’s that saying, “if it were easy, everyone would do it.” That’s so true.

I think I can get up and walk out of this tiny setback (if I can even call it that) and do my best to remember the lesson in it all. Do the work, don’t take the easy way. The most important thing after weight gain is to keep going. If I let it, these two pounds will kill me. They’ll mess with my mind and I’ll run to binging over it.

That’s how my mind works. I’m upset, I eat. I’m lonely, I eat. I’m sad, I eat. I’m bored, I eat. I’m happy, I eat, I succeeded in something, I eat. I failed at something, I eat. Food has been my best friend, my lover, my medicine, my hero, my comrade, my babysitter, my mother, my father, my brother, my sister, my leader, my mentor, my all in all. People, I’m not kidding when I tell you that food has been my god. The worst sentence I can utter. But that’s the truth. One day I’ll tell you how I got there and what binge eating is actually like.

That’s what this is all about. Not allowing food to be my god. I am fighting to rip food out of the seat of my King, Jesus Christ who is my Lord and Savior, and who is now and will always be, better than food. I just want to make this clear. Food was my god, “their god is their belly” (Phil. 3:19). When I eat in a Godless way, I declare that again. I declare food the god of my life. But when I eat in a God honoring way, Jesus sits on the throne of my life and I give Him his rightful position as LORD.

Writing all of this really helped me wrestle through this little setback. I feel like I have a better handle on this right now and like I can move on and be okay with the weight gain because I’m looking at it in light of what it could have been. I am a champion overeater. If it were an Olympic sport, I’d have a gold medal, ten in fact. If it were a degree, I’d have a PhD or three. If I had fully let go this past week I could have gained fifteen pounds. I’m serious when I say that. So, praise God is was only two.

I must get up and keep going. I must. Thank you Lord.

Soup

I had the privilege of being asked to join one of my close friends to go pray over her cousin today. He has been in a coma for some time and we’ve been praying for his recovery for months now. It’s great to be part of a community that is so interdependent.

We encouraged her aunt and shared some Gospel truth with her, and prayed over her cousin. After that, I was invited by she and her husband to go out and have some Korean food. My food has been so messy this week that I was honestly reluctant to say yes. I was scared that I would mess up my food even more.

I ended up going and eating a very balanced meal. I had some beef, and half a cup of steamed rice with the greatest tofu soup ever. The soup was piping hot, I mean, still boiling in the pot. (Which is the exact temperature I like my food!!) Anyway the soup was amazing and I feel like it restored my happiness. I know how silly that is. But I needed it. This week has been messy, especially food wise. I’m quite nervous for weigh in tomorrow.

Whatever the outcome, I take full responsibility. Anyway, today, I was able to eat a healthy dinner at a Korean restaurant and eat piping hot soup which not only blessed my tummy, it blessed my soul as well. Is it wrong to think that, Lord? Am I making food more than food? Hmm…

 

Walls

“Christians are all about building walls,” I said. Then I burst out into laughter. I’ve never said something so profoundly honest about the state of the world and the state of the Church. That sentence perfectly sums up the recent American presidential election. I found it quite comical.

Yesterday was a dark day. I awoke this morning and still had a carby thanksgiving breakfast… again. So, no change. I didn’t get in the word yesterday. So, again, no change. But then…

I met with one of my good friends for lunch. A healthy tofu and veggie lunch with NO carbs. It was delicious!! We sat for hours and caught up on our lives. We laughed about nonsense, and joked about rejection [from the waitress]. All in all, it was one of the highlights of my Thanksgiving holiday.

She shared about her pending move out of state and we began to discuss my leaving California. She encouraged me to travel, which is already on my heart. And I told her that the reason I haven’t yet moved is my church. She lovingly looked at me and said the famous line all my out of state friends say, “there are churches everywhere.” And with all sincerity and gentleness, I tried to explain… “yeah, but none like mine.”

This idea of walls was such a profound thought in my puny little head that I went on to elaborate. The American Church generally tends to build walls. At least the Churches I’ve seen. I feel like more often than not, I see many churches getting bigger in numbers and constructing bigger and bigger buildings to house those massive numbers of people, who are itching to hear what their ears itch to hear. These fellowships are building walls around those who “believe,” those who have been “enlightened,” and maybe by extension even building walls around the gospel itself? Something to ponder there…?

Instead of providing a building in which to do ministry, these fellowships, and maybe even most of the American church as a whole, end up creating walls which keep the truly hurting and needy out of the place in which hope should be most alive! Walls fortify a city (“community”) to remain secret and secluded and hoarding all of the supposed love of God inside instead of outside where it is needed most.

Walls wall the walled and leave the outsiders outside. That may be the stupidest sentence I’ve ever uttered, but it’s the best summary I have for this point. It breaks my heart. I went on to tell my friend how I feel people misrepresent Jesus and how most “Christians” belittle the marginalized and they neglect to love those who really need it. The Jesus most “Christians” in America follow is oppressive and scornful of those who He BIBLICALLY cares most about! The American Church has contorted the Biblical Jesus into something He is not. The hurting need Jesus, not more reasons to hate Him.

I am blessed to belong to a fellowship that loves the marginalized well. Not perfectly, just well and with heart. It’s very flawed because it’s made up of forgiven sinners with very real issues. But the reason I cannot move out of state just yet is because I have found a community that loves, accepts and challenges (in love and gentleness, yet with boldness) people from all walks of life, right where they are. They care about the oppression of immigrants, and the communities that feel sidelined by modern Christianity.

I don’t know how this theme ended up here. And I don’t intend to make my weight loss blog about politics. But, alas here I am. I know I have so much to learn. And I know I am in the right place. I am where I am supposed to be. Perhaps one day I am to take the knowledge and wisdom I acquire to other places. I dream of traveling. I really do. It’s my hearts greatest desire… okay one of them. I can’t wait till the day I am able to.

Which brings me to a different type of “wall.” Obesity. Extra weight, or in my case, morbidly excessive weight walls in the person who wears the weight. In this case, myself. I have often compared being overweight to being in prison. It very much feels like that, nearly all the time. I cannot travel out of state via airplane (the cheaper way) because I cannot comfortably or cheaply fit in plane seats. I don’t make enough money to buy myself two plane seats to travel out of state. As much as I wish I could do it. This wall [of fat] hinders the freedom and mobility that many people take for granted. Simple things even, like bending down, exercise, and standing require strange alterations we obese people make in order to function in this world. Therefore, as part of my prison sentence, I must learn to live amid the societal confines of the wall that I have unknowingly accepted. I won’t wear a bikini to your beach. I won’t squeeze into furniture I cannot fit in, I won’t attempt to live joyfully in my skin. No, I could never do that. I am to live in the prison and only do these things when I fit in and fight the wall. Sigh, vicious circle.

All this brings me to yet a different type of wall I have always dealt with. Assimilating with that prison (wall) on purpose out of fear of the outside. Now this story is sounding far more complicated than I wish to be, but here’s my truth. As I stupidly said before, walls wall the walled and leave the outsiders outside. I want to lose weight. I really do. But, I want to do it, as invisibly as possible. I know this is unmanageable, but I just don’t like the attention. Someone once suggested that I ate myself into so much weight to protect myself from harm. I believe there may be some truth there. Which would explain my passionate and very complex relationship to walls and how they function.

I do know that I know nothing. And I know that Jesus is the wall crusher and He alone destroys and demolishes walls of all kinds. His love is sufficient for my hurt heart to be healed and whole, and for the oppressed who hate him and his people, to feel love and forgiveness. This post was all over the place. But, it’s where I’m at.

What walls are in your own heart? Do you mean it for good? For protection? Self-preservation? Or is it fear? Consider it. I pray you find your hope in the Wall crusher-Jesus. As I do, and am learning how to better do it daily. Oh Lord, change my heart.

Pie

Okay, I admit it. It’s been about three days since I’ve spent time in the Word. Sadly, I know why. It’s because I want pie. I just want to justify eating crap. And the Bible will not let me do that. So in my rebellion, I’ve chosen to avoid the Truth that will pierce my heart, so I can blissfully enjoy ignorance and sin.

I’ve had more carbs than I should have had, y’all. I’ve had thanksgiving leftovers at least thrice now. I’ve rationalized eating carbs by telling myself that I will work it off. But I know that you cannot out run a bad diet. I know that. I’m absolutely powerless in the sight of all of this sugary (carby) food. I need Jesus. Seriously. Pray for me. Really. I hope to change my attitude, soon. I must fight. And I just don’t want to. I don’t.

Thanks

Thanksgiving has such a special smell. When you walk outside of your home and stand in the street, the wafting aroma of Turkey and warmth embrace your entire body. It’s such an incredible sensation. I am beyond thankful and there is so much I can say about how good my God is, but I won’t even attempt to put it in words. So, I will say, that I am thankful and that the Lord is good beyond my understanding! Thank you Lord!!

Food: It’s super hard to maintain healthy and balanced diet today. But, I think I managed to do well. I did in fact have sweets! I ate a couple slivers of pie, and guess what? It was just pie. Again, thankful! Praise you, Jesus! Look at all this food! Its unreal how many carbs were present! Oh Lord!

And this is a Thanksgiving tradition I started a couple years ago. We make a “Thankful” art piece every year. Last year it was a turkey. This year we made a tree. This was so great to take a moment to pause and laugh as we wrote things like “wi-fi,” and “chips” (kids!!) to serious stuff like “health,” and “salvation.” So thankful for this moment today. (I covered personal names just to respect those mentioned.)

tree

Anyway, I am thankful Lord. You are beyond my understanding. I am so grateful for your goodness and above all, MERCY!

“I will give thanks to you, Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all your wonderful deeds.” -Psalm 9:1

May it be so, Jesus!

My friends, I am also thankful for you. Thank you for being on this journey with me.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Tennis

I’m officially the worst tennis player to walk this earth. But alas, this fierce tenacity of mine will not let me quit. I’m in love with the popping melody of tennis balls being kissed by rackets. I am genuinely overwhelmed with joy when my strings make contact with that fuzzy little highlighter colored ball.

Much like tennis, I am realizing that I suck at this clean eating and healthy lifestyle thing. It’s so tempting to sum up both of those things with the word, “diet.” But we all know, it’s not a diet. “Diet” means the food a person eats, it’s not the limitations they set on themselves for weight loss. Let’s get that definition right, people.

Anyway, this very short entry to state that although maintaining sobriety from gluttony cannot be absolutely perfect, I must continue. I must go on. I must keep trying. I will never be perfect, eating well will never be perfect. But, I must go on.

One day, I will be better at tennis. I pray to one day be better at this too! Lord, help me.

Failure

Thanksgiving is probably the worst thing to happen to people trying to eat well. There is nothing but carbs, pies, and comfort food on the horizon. With T-day less than 2 days away, I’m struggling with all the food around.

We ran an errand today and my mom, who has the largest appetite I’ve ever seen a petite person have, saw her beloved “ding-ding” man (ice cream truck that roams the streets and peddles soft serve ice cream and cheesy, melty, spicy nachos) anyway, she heard it and insisted on having nachos. Let me digress for a second…

My mom is 73, 5’4 and weighs about 135 lbs. She’s petite, and fiery. She has the body of a young 50 yr old, the immune system of healthy tri-athlete, and the energy of a 20 yr old. This lady has lived thru hell, and she is still unstoppable. Praise Jesus of course, because He alone sustains her. But I will admit, she’s a handful. As far as I can remember, my mom has always had what I call a “Carnival Stomach.”

According to my dictionary, “Carnival Stomach” is when a person can eat just about everything, especially carnival (or circus) fare. Said person craves this type of food all the time. This defines my mother. She can eat a bag of popcorn and wash it down with a diet soda, then have a candy apple, then a hot dog, and nachos, then a corn dog and French fries. I mean, she can eat and eat and eat. Yet she has very fast metabolism and she never gains weight. She loves food, and I would even dare to say that she is an addict.

Okay, all that to explain who my momma is. So, couple her food obsession and her constant concern for my meals and making sure I don’t skip any, she is a major food enabler in my life. We have had many conversations about her NOT offering me food. Well, tonight, after a long day of playing tennis, babysitting, and cooking I was exhausted. I took her on one last t-day shopping errand and she stops to get her nachos.

Now, I have no problem with that. I probably should have a problem with it, but at this moment, I don’t really care. I’m tired, and my defenses are down. All my fight is pretty spent. (In hindsight, those are all the makings of poor choices!!)

She offers me some and I think to myself, I am due for a snack, so I can have a few tortilla chips smothered in cheese and jalapeños. I don’t have any major conviction about that. I can eat a nacho to the glory of God. So I do. I wanted to eat about 6-7 chips and be done. That coupled with the almonds I had, it’s an ok snack. Not the healthiest one, but I get to have a lil taste of something naughty and still stay on track. Yeah, that was my goal. The reality is that I had at least double the portion I wanted. I ate a massive mound of jalapeños covered in cheese which if I try hard enough, I can justify as being okay. But the truth is, I wouldn’t feel so bad about it if there wasn’t something convicting my heart over it. I didn’t overeat, but I sure ate in a Godless way. As if that weren’t enough, I come home to finish the baking I had been doing all day, and I had a taste of the brownie batter. It’s like one stupid compromise lead to another. Which, I have been noticing is the pattern I write about in these blogs. I recognize the pattern. It just takes one compromise. Just one.

After these two moments of poor choices, I start to feel it well up inside me. Yes, heartburn, but also… FAILURE! That one little F word that derails all goodness when eating well. I started to feel like I messed it all up, I’m so stupid, why can’t I do anything right, why do I constantly go back to slavery, what’s wrong with me, I’m never going conquer this, why can’t you change, why can’t you just be strong… WHY, WHY, WHY!??!?!?!?

And the answer is simple…

Because I. Am. Incapable!

That’s it. I’m perfectly imperfect and I cannot do it on my own! I desperately need Jesus to help me kill this GOLIATH sin that is interwoven into every fiber of my being.

So, after all the emotions, I stopped and realized that I couldn’t do that to myself and that I had to surrender my feelings and thoughts to the Lord instead of idolizing myself. Any form of self-deprecation or disappointment somehow elevates my own self and makes me feel like I’m good and worthy of better, but really, I’m not good and there is nothing good in me, I need Jesus for every single thing. I cannot save myself. He alone does. Ugh, my very messy point that isn’t very clear at this moment is that…

I need Jesus!!!!

Breakfast

Okay warriors, let’s dish about breakfast! We’ve heard it said that “breakfast is the most important meal of the day.” And although that adage is older than me, you cannot argue with sound wisdom. The only thing I would change about this saying is that it is actually not the most important meal of the day, but rather the most important CHOICE of the day. If there is one nutritional choice that is crucial, it is the one in which you break your fast after not eating for [hopefully] at least eight hours of good sleep. Since we are over stimulated in our culture, and you’re all hard working, I know you are not sleeping well. But, let’s just pretend.

I only have a few rules or boundaries when it comes to food. These “rules” (more like, suggestions) are clearly tailored to me, but I do believe they are general rules that would greatly benefit everyone. I am no expert, just stuff I’ve learned as a nursing student, and from personal experience with food issues.

7. VEGGIES AT EVERY MEAL: Yes, I do this. My go-to veggie is raw Spinach. I will add a handful to every meal if I didn’t have time to make another one. I prefer the dark leafy greens, because they’re the better ones, but I must eat a balanced meal for all my meals! I’m a stickler about this.

6. SNACK SMART (and often): I eat at least 2 snacks a day. Sometimes 3 when I’ve had a busy and active day. Every snack must have protein with it. (This will be a blog post soon).

5. NO/LOW SALT: Everything in this country is OVER salted. Sodium although crucial to the body, eaten in inappropriate amounts contributes to hypertension. Salt is a vasoconstrictor and it increases chances of heart attack and stroke. You don’t have to be obese to care about these things. Everyone who eats too much salt is at risk. I do my best to cook with fresh herbs and spices and no salt. Simple changes you can make to avoid salt is to cut back on salty snacks (chips, pork rinds, jerkies, etc.), choose unsalted nuts, don’t eat canned foods, stay away from deli meats and fast food. Or limit these things as much as possible.

4. NO RECREATIONAL SUGAR: (cakes, pies, cookies, etc.) my body doesn’t need it. Yes, I can have it if I wanted to, because in Jesus I am free for freedoms sake and I can eat anything I want. Yet I chose not to, because it is really bad for me. Not just physically, emotionally and mentally as well. Yes, I do think that people can eat a slice of pie and it just be pie. They can eat it and move on and that’s great! If you can do that, then good for you. However some of us have had such broken relationships with food that pie can’t just be pie anymore. It becomes love, or acceptance, or validation. So some of us, need to just say no, always. Nevertheless we can’t handle “always” or “forever” so just for today, no sugar. And the rest is in God’s hands.

3. NO CAFFEINE: Yes, I said that. Caffeine contributes to high blood pressure. Not only that, but it has some negative effects on the brain. I too like coffee and when I really want some, I will simply have one cup of decaf even though “decaf” isn’t really caffeine free. (There is about a tenth of caffeine in each cup). Not to mention that chocolate has caffeine in it too. So, it can get tricky to stick to this rule. I do it to the best of my ability. But for sure I avoid regular coffee, and sodas of all kinds. I’m trying to be good to my heart, thus these choices.

2. WATER: I cannot stress this one enough. It may be tied for number one actually. Anyway, drinking enough water will make a huge difference in your life and diet!!! (more on this subject in a later blog).

And that brings us to my most important rule.

1. EAT BREAKFAST!!!!!!

I am telling you, it is absolutely crucial to eat breakfast every day. In dealing with diabetes, and for non-diabetics, you don’t want to deal with blood sugar spikes or drops. Having felt what both of those things feel like, I will tell you, it’s awful. When your blood sugar spikes, or drops, to me it actually feels the same. It’s like an inner feeling of your blood pulsing and you feel warm or clammy and just sickly uncomfortable. I hate it. One of the issues is not just eating breakfast but people eating the WRONG foods for breakfast. When you break the fast and eat something sugary like a donut, you’re causing your insulin to spike. Your pancreas works harder and you set yourself up for crazy insulin numbers all day. Crazy spikes and drops causes your pancreas to overwork and thus how we get type 2 Diabetes. Yes, genetics plays a role, but Type 2 is caused mainly by habits and environment.

Anyway, so we must be wise in our breakfast choices! My go-to breakfast is an egg white spinach omelet with a small slice of pepper jack or jack cheese, wrapped in a corn tortilla. The corn tortilla has 11g of crabs, therefore, I am eating a healthy breakfast with only 11g of carbs! If I am really hungry I’ll have a small piece of fruit with it (which increases my carb count, so I must choose wisely!!) or I avoid the tortilla and eat some other form of carbs, like fruit or grits. But when I am in a hurry, I make this quick on the go breakfast and I am set till elevensies. That’s my first “snack” of the day. I’m a Lord of The Rings girl, so my food alarms actually read like a Hobbit’s phone would! (see the picture below).

Anyway, I am writing this post because on Sundays I usually wake up too late to make breakfast, and I must counsel my own heart and tell myself all of this stuff! This morning I opted for a snack instead of breakfast. I had half a banana and some almonds. Sunday has a totally different schedule than my whole week, and so I always have to adjust eating on this day. Today, I made the mistake of not prioritizing breakfast. I wasn’t hungry after eating the snack, I was fine. But that is not a good habit to have. I must eat breakfast.

From the ages of 12-22 my body was starving. I wasn’t only overweight, I was also malnourished. It has been such a hard thing to change those habits. I still often struggle with it! So, when I tell you to eat breakfast, I mean it! Eat breakfast! It sets you up for healthy eating and meals throughout the day! It’s seriously the most important meal of your day! Choose wisely too! Don’t pick sugary snacks for breakfast. You’re worth it! Make the effort. Feed yourself the way you would if you were cooking or feeding someone super important and special to you! You wouldn’t give your significant other a measly piece of toast for breakfast. You’d cook some healthy delicious meal because that’s love. So, love yourself well and eat BREAKFAST!!

Here’s my actual phone alarms. All my life, I have been known to skip meals. True story. To this day my mom still asks me if I am eating. Yep, 400lbs, and skipping meals. Trust me, it adds to being overweight. Anyway, here’s a picture of what I do to keep myself on track. I set all these alarms. In order to eat well and get my metabolism going, I have to eat! We have to eat, in order to lose weight! So, don’t skip meals! And especially don’t skip breakfast!

foods

*Hobbit schedule because I love Lord Of The Rings.

Death

In January someone I love told me they had a feeling I was gonna die this year. They said they had a weird vision that my family would endure loss. Either my mom, or myself. My mom is 73, so that possibility increases with age, and clearly weighing over 400 lbs increases the possibility a hundred fold. What a strange and even cruel thing to say to someone, right? I would be lying if I said that it didn’t mess with my mind. It did.

It worried me for a couple weeks. Mainly because I thought it was an awful thing to tell someone, and it upset me that it was verbalized. Yet as the time passed I found myself more and more thankful for the comment. As the days passed I found myself concerned for my health and wondering if the Lord did in fact give this person some wisdom on the subject. I was ready to make some changes to help myself lose weight and even though I clearly know everyone will die, I wanted to have a fighting chance at not dying prematurely, to my understanding. As is the case with most Americans, I found myself approaching health like a New Year’s resolution, armed with my will and determination. I lost thirty pounds and felt like I was heading in the right direction. By the time my birthday (February) rolled around, I was doing really well. I remember having a small slice of Tiramisu and after that one taste of sugar, I can’t remember anything else. It goes black after that. It’s like sugar is an eraser in my mind and body (more on that later). I just know that one compromise lead me to another one and on and on it went, as I yo-yoed and gained 20 lbs back. So remained the case until Bells Palsy. A frustrating diagnosis, but a Godsend nonetheless.

I am not afraid of dying. Let’s just get that clear. As a daughter of the King Jesus, I know with all my heart where I shall go when I die. I look forward to that day and I have even wished it sooner many times. My heart longs for His presence and to be in a place of comfort and eternal joy. Often when the world is overwhelming, I find my yearning intensified. I know to whom I belong, and to where I shall return. Death is scary in the thoughts of suffering or never seeing those you love again, in that sense it is a scary thing. I trust the Lord though and I know His presence will more than make up for any of that. My biggest lament with death, is that I don’t want to die in sin. The Bible tells us to test ourselves, and I do. I’m not clinging to foolish assurance of salvation. There is active testing of myself. I just mean to say that when I think of death, I often think that I just want to be sure that I am not walking in, or tolerating active sin [gluttony] when I die. I want to be aggressively putting up a fight and killing sin when I go. I don’t want to be unrepentant over this issue. I want to meet my Savior when I am covered in the bloody gore of killing my flesh!

Sin is worthy of blood, guts and gore! John Piper says some pretty phenomenal stuff in regards to killing sin, and I fully encourage you to listen to it all! (Check out day 6 references for the link). Recently I read through the Psalms and I was taken aback when I read the words of King David, the “man after God’s own heart,” and I see how gruesome some of his thoughts are in regards to his enemies. His words are hostile pleas to the Lord to slay his enemies. Rip them apart, cut them in tiny pieces he cried out. (See the language in Psalm 63, 64, 71, 89 to name a few).

Isn’t this the man who loved the Lord unlike anyone else?! Why so much gore and blood?! As I pondered this with my community of sisters, one of my mentors asked about our enemies. “Who do you consider your enemies?” My immediate thought was “SIN.” My enemy is sin. Its temptation and all that the enemy puts in my way to lead me to sin! She and I read through the Psalms together, and as we did I found myself replacing David’s real and physical enemies with my spiritual ones! As I read the Psalms now, I do agree that I want God to slay my enemies! Kill that temptation that wants me to fall and that wants to breed spiritual death in me! Yes Lord, cut it into tiny pieces and rid me of its existence! Have no mercy on it, Lord! Destroy it! Kill it!

THIS IS THE DEATH I WANT! The death that leads to life!!! And life in abundance! I am not afraid to die. The year isn’t over yet. I may not make it to the end. God only knows. When this “premonition” or “feeling” was spoken to me in the beginning of the year, my immediate thought was this one. I prayed it would be a spiritual and fleshly death! Where I would die to myself, my flesh and stop pursuing sin and selfish desires. So yes, in a way, I did die this year! I am so thankful for it! I am joyfully able to say that I am not walking in the active sin of gluttony and I am allowing the Lord alone to heal the brokenness in my appetite and my relationship with food. This is the work of God alone, I did nothing to get here!! By no means have I arrived anywhere! I am still a mess of brokenness, but for this victory, HIS victory thus far, I am thankful.

Only He knows how long I will live. I will not live in fear anymore, because He is good and faithful. I always feared the shame of dying as an obese person. Everyone will have right opinions of me eating myself to death, they’ll call me “selfish,” they won’t be surprised since after all, I did this to myself, it could in fact be ruled as suicide. I admit that I cared more about what man would say, than what the Lord would say. In dealing with sin issues we often care more about our reputation with humans, than we do about our standing with a good and HOLY GOD. I was absolutely guilty of this. I am yet again, thankful that he has worked in my heart and caused me to care only about what He thinks. I am broken and humbled before the Lord. I am incapable of doing anything to save or heal myself. I’m right where I need to be.

I always dreamed of dying in some mission field in the jungle or the desert, but alas this very well may be my jungle or desert. All I know is that I want to honor him as much in life, as in how I die. I am putting up a fight, and if it’s His will to take me as my sword is lifted high, then so be it. To Him be the glory.

“So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom.” –Psalm 90:12

Hear my prayer O Lord, and give me a heart of wisdom.

Thanks for reading and walking this journey with me. No matter how long it’s been, or will be. “To live is Christ, and to die is gain.” –Philippians 1:21

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