Someone asked me if I was losing weight today. I’ll be honest. The self-destructive impulse in my heart was raging!! My immediate thought was “How do I make it stop!?” That’s how self destructive I am. I sabotage everything in sight when left to my own devices. Being visible is scary for me. I can’t handle it.
I once had someone tell me that I subconsciously gained all this weight to guard my heart (and body) from ever being wounded. I think there may be truth to that. So although many people who are trying to lose weight love having recognition for their efforts, I in turn, HATE it.
I wish people would just watch my body shrink and ignore it. Lol. I know that’s not how we function. But I wish it would be. Wouldn’t the world be so much better if we simply looked at each other in the eyes and didn’t gaze at the rest of the body? Wouldn’t it be amazing if we described people by their character and not their outer appearance?
Do you know so and so? Oh you mean that sweet woman that is always compassionate and gentle with people? Yes, I know her well! Have you ever met my friend so and so? Oh you mean the one who always validates you when you speak and always encourages you with scripture? Yes! She’s fantastic!
Seriously, why can’t it be like this!?! Instead of this…
Do you know Dena? The one with the fat legs, pig nose, cankles and she’s always grumpy with people? Yes, I know her well! Have you ever met my friend Kimberly? Oh you mean the one with the short grungy hair, skinny arms and boney legs? Yes! She’s cool.
Silly examples but you know what I mean.
Anyway, pray for me. This is just the beginning. Little by little people will start to scan my whole body when they greet me. I imagine that doesn’t sound as threatening to you as it does to me, but it’s where I am. This is about Jesus. Not me. And I have to remember that. Especially when my self destruction wants to run wild!! Believe me that I have the impulse to go buy a large pizza and eat it in one sitting. I really do. I won’t, but I definitely feel that.
Oh Lord, heal all fragments of brokenness in the depths of my heart. This is not about me. It’s not about me. It’s not about me. It’s not about me. It’s not about me. It’s NOT about ME. Sigh.