I had such a long day today. Started with a severe case of being car sick! I missed Sunday corporate worship because I was fighting a headache and nausea. I got home after being at work a full 12 hours. And here I am again, fighting that same headache and nausea. Sickness is such a reminder of my need for God. Ugh Father, heal my body.
Oh! Slight testimony here… I mentioned car troubles in my “Ugh” blog… lol and today, the Lord provided and took care of my car! Praise God, the situation was resolved! My brothers blessed me and helped me get my car going. So thankful for this, Lord. My brother dropped my car off to me in the evening and I had the privilege (I don’t say this enough), but the privilege of driving my own car home.
Being dependent on others for rides is such a hard thing. I love being a passenger, but the waiting around for people is such a struggle for me. Anyway, not driving this morning made me appreciate my ability to drive, and it reminded me that it’s a privilege the Lord allows.
On my drive, I thought through the week and how ridiculously hard it’s been. I’ve been struggling with sugar, sweets and messy, imperfect abstinence/eating. I’m pretty sick of it, but my heart just has no desire to stop, or even more important, to put up a fight! I want to justify reasons why I can tolerate a certain amount of sugar. I want to justify eating carbs. Truth of the matter is that there are no valid reasons for either of these things.
I am beyond exceptions. My disobedience to God [in regards to food] has gone on for so long, and the consequences have been so grave, and well deserved, that I cannot reason away or justify a continued spirit of rebellion or disobedience. The time has come where I make a decision, it’s either YES- I’m with Jesus, and I am choosing to die to myself and pursue His way only, or NO- I am not with Jesus, and by saying no, I walk away from Him. Totally. There is no in between! There can’t be. These are very hard and real things to think through. If I have not Jesus, who am I?
Imagine being the wife of the greatest husband who ever lived and spending every waking moment together and being so deeply in love that you forget where you begin, and He ends. Imagine that’s how your marriage has been for 34 yrs. You’ve been madly in love, all that time. Sure there were moments where you felt closer or farther from Him, yet, you endured and continued in the relationship. Sounds like a perfect marriage, right?
Now imagine, your husband dies. After all that time and all that intimacy, the surviving person, in this case, the wife, must readjust and relearn how to live and function in a new identity. This is the “NO” case. (My own case, or your case, if you’re pondering leaving Jesus, and I genuinely pray you’re not, email me if you are. I’m serious).
If you spent all those years being close and that intimate, any shift or change would severely alter your entire identity. Now imagine being newly single in this scary world. That would be terrifying!! Facing the world of Tinder and Facebook, and all of (anti)social media after 34 yrs of not needing or wanting anyone else’s approval or status updates.
Imagine walking into that scary world alone, without the protection or guidance from your faithful husband.
If i were to say “NO” to Jesus, I would have to begin again. I’d have to change everything about me. Not one single thing would be left unaffected.
Thus, I know in my heart that I cannot say no to you Lord. I cannot walk away. No matter how hard it is! I want to give up because fighting is so hard. That’s just the truth. But I do know I wasn’t called for that.
I feel like I’ve been dealing with food issues in an almost detached way. Like I have been sharing them and burdened by them but I haven’t been broken over it, as much as I was the first time I attempted to lose weight and honor the Lord with eating (2014).
I feel like I’ve been thinking through this in an almost arrogant way. As if I know exactly what to do to get me to health. And I am certain that history, and the scale prove otherwise. I don’t want to be arrogant or proud. I don’t want to come at this as if I know anything, Lord. I KNOW NOTHING!
I am broken, and humbled, and in desperate need of you! I know this is the battle for my life. And although I fear you and have a tiny bit of human knowledge about how Grand you are, I trust you Lord. That is incredibly scary for me to say. The last time I prayed this prayer, I got Bell’s Palsy. And the time before that, was followed by sickness too. Chambers once said that any instruction we get from God, he usually tests it right away. I’m very afraid of that or those tests. I am weak, and old, and cowardly. Suffering can be so overwhelming.
But Lord, I know that although you are mighty and worthy of proper fear and trembling that you also love your children in spite of them. So, here I am. Saying YES, one more time. Lead me Lord. Let me take your hand as I walk this path. Forgive me for my sin and rebellion and let me, teach me, show me, guide me in obedience. Because I love you and I want YOU and nothing less.
Yes, Lord. Yes.